How to help your toddler get through their big emotions…when they also make yours run high.
As well as being a child and teen specialist yoga teacher, I’m a mum. My boys are 3 and 1. As you can imagine, I’ve dealt with my fair share of toddler tantrums. Although I think it’s fair to say these are a part of parenthood and growing up, there is definitely lots we can do to help our little ones cope with their big emotions, and there’s also plenty we can do to help ourselves manage our emotions and set good examples.
Have you ever watched first responders head into an emergency situation looking as calm as if they were walking in the park? It doesn’t come naturally, it’s learned, and it’s practiced, repeatedly. You can’t teach a toddler to calm down while they’re having a tantrum, yet it’s often the instruction we give them. If we teach breathing techniques when children are calm and happy, we can then call on them when they’re feeling stressed. Whilst this is by no means perfect - I’ve already said my boys have tantrums sometimes too - it does genuinely help. And, importantly, sets them up to be able to regulate their emotions as they get older.
So - how do we do it? Little ones respond well to particular things, songs, visual aids, stories and watching their primary caregivers demonstrate responses. In preschool yoga classes it’s all about fun - breathing games, singing and stories. I’m here to share a few of the techniques we enjoy in kids yoga so that you can share them with your little ones at home.
Little ones enjoy calm spaces, it’s why sensory rooms are so much fun, so try to set up a little clam space in your home. A yoga mat can work well as it’s a defined space. You can include a soft toy or two, maybe a yoga pose dice and some of their favourite books but try to keep it calm rather than too busy. Then try to build some yoga time into your routine. For my family, it works well to include this after dinner and before bath time but every family is different and any time in the days is great, and if it can be consistently the same time each day, even better. Your yoga time can include a game, a few poses, perhaps inspired by a story (find plenty of free resources to help with these on innerchildyogaschool.com) and should always include some mindful breathing. Learning some soothing breaths in a calm, happy environment is the trick to help us draw on them later on, ideally when we see a tantrum brewing before it takes off.
Here are some easy breaths little ones enjoy:
1. Breath Ball – Using a breath ball is a great visual aid for toddlers. Expand the ball with the inhale and shrink it back with the exhale. Play with lengthening the exhale if it’s comfortable
2. Blowing a feather – choosing a special feather, leaf or other light item which they can blow (even bubbles can work here but they can be frustrating for younger ones). Being able to watch their breath is really helpful.
3. Fogging a mirror – similarly to blowing on a feather, challenging children to fog up a mirror can be another good visual. Depending how old they are, they could practice writing a word or just mark making before the fog disappears.
4. Humming bee – this is a great breath to enjoy together and really helps to extend the exhale. Inhale deeply and then make a humming sound with your exhale. How long can you hmmm for with one breath?
A few little things to remember, don’t encourage children to hold their breath, many adult breathing techniques do this but it’s not helpful for little ones and breath holding can increase feelings of anxiety. Breathing should always feel comfortable so follow your toddler’s lead and don’t extend the exhale for longer than they want to. Finally, this is intended to be fun, some days your little one won’t want to engage and that’s fine. Keep their association with yoga positive by not forcing it on them on days they’re not in the mood. Try to meet the mat every day but if it only last a min, that’s fine.
If you notice your little one is starting to struggle try practising the breaths you’ve learned with them. It’s especially hard for children to express themselves if their language skills aren’t strong but connectedness and calm may help them find a different way to show you what they need. Breaths can be done sat opposite each other (so they can see you) with you done on their level but can also work well while having a cuddle.
Our toddlers always seem to know how to press our buttons, particularly when we are tired. For me, getting the boys into their pjs after their bath is often a pinch point. Bath time is fun and I enjoy story time but when their running around the landing in the nude refusing to get dressed my stress levels rise. Knowing that this can be a challenge for me I try to pre-emptively take some deep breaths with slow exhales to put myself into a relaxed state. Modelling being calm rather than snappy helps our children learn to do the same. Extending the exhales is a sure way to trick our body into switching off flight or fight more and relaxing. There are plenty of different breathing techniques to do this but you can gain the results most easily by counting your breath and extending the exhale to last longer than the inhale. Perhaps start inhaling for three and exhaling five and then extend from there is it’s comfortable.
Being a mum myself, I know that sometimes it can feel isolating or like your child is the only one acting out in this way. Or that whatever you try nothing seems to work. I hear you. I share these ideas because they can help your child build good habits and develop strategies which help them keep control and self-regulate, but, they’re very young and their feelings are very big. It’s important to me that you know I am not coming from a place of perfection and there are times when we all feel stressed and times when our children tantrum, it’s normal and healthy. Keep going mumma – you’re smashing it!